Interview with Brittany

Brittany, the author of A Day in the Life of a Texas Transsexual, blogs about her story as a transsexual woman. Through reading her blog, I have even found myself mis-informed about various aspects of transsexualism. So, I thought it would be a good idea to interview Brittany, and ask some questions about transsexualism and her own experiences. So, without further to do, I present to you my interview with Brittany! (Disclaimer: Please note that these answers are only from Brittany and she is not speaking as a representative for other transsexual people who may or may not agree with these answers.)


1. First and foremost, what is the difference between transsexual vs. transgender?

Transsexuals feel they are, or at least ought to be the opposite sex. The body they were born with does not match their 'gender identity.' They feel like they are NOT in the right body and will do whatever it takes to correct that including changing their bodies with hormone replacement therapy (female hormones and androgen blockers), electrolysis, facial feminization surgery (FFS) and gender reassignment surgery (GRS).

Other people who fall under the "transgender umbrella" such as cross-dressers or drag queens ARE happy with the bodies and have NO desire to change their bodies. They have a gender identity that does not conflict with their bodies and enjoy being the sex they are. I have seen some descriptions say that cross-dressers dress only for "sexual gratification" but that is NOT always the case either. Some just enjoy feeling female for a while and then gladly go back to being male. And there ARE cross-dressers who are female and dress as male out there also!

Drag queens are homosexual men who dress as women for their own erotic pleasure or for their partners who are attracted to men dressed as women. They identify as male, are perfectly happy with their bodies and do not want GRS.


2. When did you know that the body you were born with didn't match your gender identity?

For many years when I was very young I just assumed that I when I grew up I would finally be female – which, in a way, is actually coming true! When I was about four years old my father caught me wearing some of my mother’s clothes and whipped me for it. From that point on I knew that I would get in trouble for feeling the way I did. I also knew that I needed to hide those feelings and should probably be ashamed of them also. Still, no matter what I did those feelings never went away.

To be perfectly honest, back then I didn’t have any idea why I felt like I was female. I didn’t know anything about ‘gender identity,’ I just knew that my feelings must be “wrong” because I had been punished because of them.

When I was a freshman in high school, my biology teacher told my class about “the sad and rare case where some people were born as one gender but actually had the brain of the opposite gender.” This made perfect sense to me! Still, that was the mid-70’s, I lived in the SW Ozark region of Missouri, and I was only 14-years old -- so what could I do? I didn’t have the information or opportunity back then that transgender people have today.

Over time I became fully aware of who I was. By the late 80’s I would search the TV guide trying to find talk shows discussing transsexuality. I was starved for information and this was the only way I knew of to get any real information on the subject at the time. I would record these shows while I was at work and watch them when I got home from work.

At one point I recorded a show that gave information for the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE). It took me a while, but eventually I worked up the courage to write them and ask for information. One of the things they sent me was a list of organizations for gender dysphoric people in major cities in the U.S. I eventually worked up the nerve to call the St. Louis Gender Foundation – which was on the list of organizations the IFGE sent me. I had to leave a message but the president of the group called me back and talked to me for over two hours. She was the very first person I had EVER spoken to about how I felt – and that was in 1993 when I was 33-years old.


3. There is a common misconception that people who are transsexuals are actually just homosexual and like to play "dress up". Can you explain the differences between transsexualism and homosexuality? Does one have to be homosexual (before they transition) to be a transsexual person?

First of all, sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely different things. Sexual orientation is based on who you are attracted to sexually. Gender identity is what gender you actually identify as (male or female). I have seen also seen this defined this way: sexual orientation is based on WHO you want to have sex with and gender identity is based on WHAT SEX YOU WANT TO BE while you are having sex.

In most cases, once set, your sexual orientation does not change no matter what your gender identity is. However, sometimes there are instances when someone who is transsexual actually have their sexual orientation change once they have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for a while. I have heard that about 70% of transsexual people do NOT switch sexual orientation though – which is especially true for people who transition later in life such as myself.

In my case, I have NEVER been attracted to men at all. I have only been attracted to women and that is still the case even though I have been on HRT now for over ten months. I sincerely doubt my sexual orientation will change in the future.

Since I am transitioning to the female sex and I am attracted to women, I will identify as a “Lesbian” since my sexual orientation has not changed (and I was a “straight” male). So in my case, I went from being a “straight” male to a Lesbian female!


4. I have read on your blog that you are currently transitioning from a man to a woman. What would you say has been the hardest part of that transition?

This is probably the most difficult question for me to answer, probably because it is very difficult to put my finger on any one particular thing.

Transsexuals reach a point in their lives where they have to finally make a choice – transition and live your life as you have always known you should – or die. Some estimates say that 50% choose death – which is by far the easiest way out. I WANT to live my life and I will do whatever I have to do and endure whatever I have to endure in order to live it! And I knew from the very start what I would have to be ready to deal with…

I knew I would have to go through a lot of physical pain from electrolysis and surgeries I would have to undergo (facial feminization surgery (FFS) and gender reassignment surgery (GRS)).

That physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain I knew I would have to go through during transition. When you transition you have to be prepared to lose everything. You have to be prepared to lose your job, retirement, home, all your friends and even your family. I have seen more than one person lose all of these things and I fully understood that I might lose them also.

I would have to say that the most difficult part of transition is telling other people that you are transitioning from one gender to another. You never know how people will react. People who you are sure will support you may not while the ones you thought would shun you end up fully accepting you. The stress involved with coming out to the people in your life is probably the hardest thing to deal with (in MY view – and keep in mind that I do NOT speak for all transsexuals!).

Having to tell my parents was one of the hardest things for me. I really did not think either one of them would ever accept me. Think how hard it would be to tell your parents that their 48-year old son is transitioning into womanhood! In my case, both my parents accepted me, although my father is still having some difficulty with it due to his religious beliefs.

Last week they announced my transition to about sixty of my coworkers, some of whom I have worked with for over 23-years. After the announcement my coworkers were trained for two hours by a nationally known speaker, author and advocate for transgender people. Telling so many people the secret that you have spent your lifetime hiding is very difficult and stressful to say the least, but everything went very well and the support I received was stunning – thanks to the sensitivity training provided to my coworkers by the very talented speaker.


5. From what I gather, in the future you are planning to undergo gender reassignment surgery. What does that entail?

Different surgeons employ different techniques to perform GRS. Some doctors perform the main operation (vaginoplasty – the creation of the vagina) and months later after healing the patient must return to undergo another operation (labiaplasty) to form the “hood” and make everything look right.

First the testicles are removed and parts of the penis is inverted preserving blood and nerve supplies to form a vaginal (vaginoplasty). A clitoris fully supplied with nerve endings is formed by the glans of the penis. The scrotal tissue is also used to form vaginal tissue.

Some surgeons prefer to create the outer vulva in a secondary surgery when other tissues, blood and nerve supplies have recovered from the first surgery – usually 4 – 6 months after the first surgery has taken place. Some doctors, like the one I plan to go to, do both the vaginoplasty and labiaplasty in a single operation. Once healed, sometimes it is impossible for even a gynecologist to tell that the person is not a ‘genetic woman.’

Transsexual women are usually able to achieve orgasm during sexual intercourse. Of course, they do not have ovaries or uteruses which means they are unable to have children or menstruate. They must also remain on hormone therapy after their surgery to maintain female hormonal status.

*****

And that concludes our interview! Interesting, no? I want to thank Brittany again for being so open and honest in her answers. For those of you who have not read her blog, I highly recommend it!

Dear Diary

I used to keep a diary. It was my best friend in many ways. I could tell it anything-- the crush I had on a boy in my class, the embarrassing changes that were going on in my body, or the fights I was having with my family. I wrote in it so often that sometimes I wouldn't even have anything to say; I would write just to keep in touch with my old friend. My entries were never creative, and I never erased a word or worried about grammar or spelling. My diary didn't care how I communicated with it, and it never mocked my poor spelling nor my lack of sentence structure.

I stopped writing once I turned 16 and I got my first car. It was a beat up BMW that was older than I was, had no AC, and would decide on it's own accord when it would turn on and let me drive it. But I loved that car-- even more than my diary. And soon my diary became less of a need and more of a chore. I also realized that although my diary was loving and understanding, it was too powerful. It held all of my secrets in an easy to find location. I became painfully aware of the fact that, in the wrong hands, my diary could quickly become my worst enemy. And, at the age of 16, my diary being in anyone's hands were the "wrong hands".

I stopped writing in my diary years ago, but some days (like today) I miss it. When I get the familiar feeling of being stuck in my writing (as I have been for some time now), I miss opening the pages of my diary and letting my pen flow. As I mull over sentences, I remember how quickly I would scribble my thoughts in my diary without any regard. Now that I am faced with prompts and word limits, I wish for the days when I didn't have to stick to a topic or squeeze extra words out of my paper to make some limit. I could write about whatever I wanted, and I could start and stop as I please. There was no thesis statement with my diary entries and I wasn't penalized for veering off topic.

Of course I could always start up another diary. But now I feel like I have somehow lost the ability to write as freely as I once did. Now that the passive voice has been mentally beaten into me, I feel over-indulgent to spend hours writing about myself. I have many more productive things to write about now. I have blogs, essays, grants and manuscripts that all need to be worked on. My writing could go to better use. But secretly I fear that my friend has left me. I no longer know how to write in a diary. My few futile attempts to start a new journal has always been short lived. I no longer can let myself live without structure. My handwriting now seems slow and foreign to me. And my computer has that dreaded delete key. I worry too much about being witty and verbose to let myself go and write as I once did. Sadly, because of massive amounts of formal education, I forgot that writing can sometimes just be plain and unpolished; and most importantly, just for me.

Are We Really THAT Different?

I never grew up really feeling like a girl. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but even at a young age I don't remember feeling or acting the way a lot of girls did. In my elementary school days I vividly remember recess being a time for me to play sports, tag, or other speed and agility games. I never understood tea-parties, barbies, or playing make-believe house. I wouldn't call myself a tom-boy, since I still enjoyed dresses and make-up, but I also never felt like a typical girl.

Even as a child I would use adjectives like assertive, stubborn, athletic, and opinionated to describe myself-- all deemed male qualities. I was also sweet, talkative, and very empathetic, but I never really knew how to get rid of my masculine qualities. Of course I got teased because I ended up with more guy friends than girls, and even at the tender age of 8, I was the center of many vicious rumors (including, but not limited to: having multiple boyfriends, making out with boys, and even getting naked in front of a group of guys in the boy's bathroom-- really? I don't think I understood the reasoning as to why a girl would get naked in front of a boy at 8 years old). I don't bring this up to get sympathy or show how vicious children can be, and I have worked out many of these issues long ago. So then why do I bring it up?

I bring this up because it is evident to me, that even at a young age, I never really understood why men were from Mars and women were from Venus. Was I on the moon, both being repelled and attracted to both planets? I appreciated both genders. Yes, women, at times we get too dramatic and play games. And men, you can be emotionally cold and unaware of blatantly obvious things. But is it really all men and all women? Are we born this way? Are there so few exceptions that we cannot see these statements as blatantly stereotyping? I always resisted this men vs. women mentality. I mean can we really be that different just because men have genitalia spilling out and women have it intricately tucked in? It just doesn't make sense to me. I have always refrained from sentences that start with "Men are always like that..." or "You know, women always act that way...". Maybe it was because I didn't always act appropriate for my gender, so I feel it is possible for people on both sides to step outside of their "pre-destined gendered self".

The only time I felt that I was molded to become more feminine was not by my own doing. For example I was always good at math, but looking back I remember some teachers holding me back from pursing a career in a man's discipline. Throughout my life, I was always chastised for getting along too well with men. I had broken the female code, I had betrayed my own gender. Because I love to debate and question "truths", many times I would be pushed aside or called a bitch for being too assertive-- a male quality. All of these things slightly lessened some of my "masculine" traits, and succeeded in conforming me a little bit more into my own stereotypical gender. But this was all shaped by my society, not my genes.

Men and women aren't so dissimilar from each other. We have far more things alike than different. People who always highlight the differences between the genders only polarizes us further, and it grossly over-simplifies things. Am I any different? No, I am sure I have made those sweeping arguments that "all men are so alike" and "women are all the same"; but stating that gives less room for those queer individuals like myself that don't perfectly conform to one gender or the other. I admit that my story of gender non-conformity is benign compared to others that I have heard before; those who have been cruelly dismissed simply because they didn't fit into the gender stereotype placed on them. So let's soften the rigid lines separating men and women. Nothing is ever so black and white, so why should this be any different?

10 Things I Have Learned From my Porn Class

Now that the porn class is over, I have had time to reflect on it. I don't exactly know what I expected from that class, but I was in for a surprise. These are the top 10 things I took away from TAing the porn class:

1. It is incredibly hard to change people's preconceived notions about porn. If they are against it, there is little you can do to change that. And the people who are for it have much better sex lives.

2. All men want to dominate women. Or at least that is what a lot of anti-porn feminist will have you believe.

3. Sex and violence is far too prevalent in television, and completely overlooked by most people. I guess it happens so often that most people don't even realize it. Next time you are watching a television show that has a sex scene, keep your eyes open for any acts of violence. You will be shocked how often the two acts are paired together.

4. People will tell you the most intimate details of their sex lives if you give them a chance. This is especially true in a class that has the word "porn" in the title.

5. Nina Hartley is hilarious! She is also very educated, extremely well spoken, and brutally honest and open about her profession. Surprisingly, she looks a lot different with clothes on. Or maybe that is because I never actually looked past her tits.

6. Male heterosexual porn stars get paid shit. People assume that all men want to have sex with porn stars, so actually getting to have sex with porn stars is thought to be payment enough.

7. Any fantasy you can possibly think of will have already been depicted in porn. Any nightmare you can possibly think of will also have it's place in pornography. Even things you didn't think were humanly possible is in porn. In short, if you can think it up, it is already in porn.

8. Most straight men are extremely uncomfortable talking about gay porn. They will be very opinionated and talkative about hetero or lesbian porn, but the minute you add the word "gay" in front of pornography, and every man quickly looks and his feet and silently prays for the conversation to change.

9. Only around 25% of women watch porn. But, of course, that doesn't stop the other 75% of women from having their opinions on whether it was good or bad.

10. People don't seem to believe that a man can get raped by a woman. They also don't believe that any man wouldn't want to have sex with every woman possible. This not only saddens me, it angers me to think that we can be so against rape towards women, but then have this "suck it up" mentality with men.

Why Did I Want to Get Married Again?

If you remember, awhile back I got engaged to Novio. Who knew that a commitment-phobic-sex-studying-nerd like me could tie the knot? However, I didn't realize that getting engaged meant that people were going to expect me to plan a wedding! The excitement of being engaged has now turned into a resentment since every woman I talk to ends up grilling me about wedding details. Of course no one asks Novio a thing, he just grins and me and excuses himself to talk to the boys about the Brazil/U.S. game, or comparing the great MJ to Kobe on basketball skills. I watched the soccer game, I want to talk about it. And I would love to argue with anyone who thinks Kobe is better than MJ. But nooooo, I'm stuck with the women having to talk about "wedding seasons", reception venues, and whether I would like to be a sparkly princess or a blushing bride on my day.

If you haven't picked up on it yet, I am not exactly the girliest of girls. I don't know what colors go with what time of year (who knew colors and seasons had to match?), I only know three flowers by name, and I don't have the slightest clue where to start in planning something that is supposed to be "the most important day of my life". I thought I could just get engaged, and then think about all that wedding stuff when I have time (which, at this point, I am starting to think is never).

Thankfully my Maid of Honor, who is my sister, knows me inside and out. Every time a family member or friend starts to get all "weddingy" on me (which includes gasping every time I say the word wedding, husband, or ceremony; jumping up and down while looking at my ring; and saying things like "I'm sure you have planned for this day your entire life!" or "I bet you thought he would never ask!") she comes to my rescue. Normally she finds a way to get me out of the situation and then stops me from hyperventilating, throwing up, or running out of the house screaming. That's why she get's to be my right hand woman.

On a side note, did you know there is a secret language to wedding planning? For example, I just learned last week that I can abbreviate Maid of Honor to MOH, but if you ask me, that sounds too much like MUFF. And apparently you are only a Maid of Honor if you are single, but if you are married you are stuck with Matron of Honor. I thought I knew the "no seeing your fiance in your wedding dress" one, but apreantly it is much more extensive than that. I am going to get kidnapped the night before because I am not allowed to see him or talk to him the entire day! Who else is going to keep me sane when all of these people run around trying to find blue shit that is borrowed while squalling and crying every time I walk into the room? Really, who comes up with these wedding rules, and why is it that just because I have a vagina everyone expects me to know these things?

I am already feeling sick just writing this blog about weddings. Thankfully, my MOH is all about wedding planning, so I struck a deal with her: she plans the wedding, and I relieve her of her obligatory wedding gift. I think we both see it as a win-win. So, if you want more wedding details, you are going to have to ask her.

Where Did Everyone Go?

After a busy week full of tying up loose ends, I finally got a minute to relax and play on the internet. And by playing on the Internet, I mean catch up on some of my favorite blogs. However, when I sat down to read them, I suddenly realized I don't really have any more blogs to read. The Bar Maid Blog hasn't had a post in almost six months, Confessions of a Callgirl (my all-time favorite blog) has said it's goodbye many months ago, I just haven't been able to let her go on my blogroll. Recently Mnwhr from Musings of a Manwhore got hitched and left the blogosphere, ironicaly, on the same day as the blog Seduction of Infedility. And a couple of my favorite blogs Starting over at 24 and Y tu Hermano Tambien ended recently as well. Now, I realize that all blogs have an expiration date, but what am I supposed to read?

So, my web-friends, I am in need of some new reading material. Please tell me some of your favorite blogs (wheter they are your own or one that you love to visit). I really need to update the old blogroll with some new reading material.

Just Call me the Porn Girl

"So, do you want to be a TA with me this summer?" My old adviser from my undergraduate school asked.

"Really? I would be honored!" You see, at the stage I am at in my career my CV means everything to me. And being a TA is just another bullet I can put on it. Honestly, if someone offered me one thousand dollars or a publication, I would take the paper without a minutes hesitation.

"You haven't even heard of the class yet" he laughs. "It is titled 'The Study of Pornography'".

Now I know why he asked me. Porn is a touchy subject. And, as a younger male graduate student, I understand why he would want a girl to co-TA, so that he doesn't get himself in any sticky situations with the female students. I told him I would still love to do it; after all, it takes a little more than porn to scare me away.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want to think this over a bit? You realize at your age and your attractiveness, there is probably going to be some transference with the male students."

Transference is a funny word us psychologists like to use. Because we are going to be talking about sex and porn throughout this entire class, some of the boys might "transfer" that energy onto me. I will, in essence become the porn girl (again). I don't really know when I became the resident expert in pornography. I guess just being a girl that is not scared to study it, talk about it, or even look at it puts me in that category.

I have to worry about this "transference" problem a lot since I am a female studying sex. There are many things that male professors can out-right say in sex research that women have to tip-toe around. For example, if my (male) professor talks about gender differences in porn and I state something like "I have seen pornography that depicts women in a very demeaning role," the majority of men will hear "I have seen porn...." and let their imagination take off from there.

However, as I stated in my first post, I am not one to shy away from any sexual topics. I also think that it will be a great class for me to learn even more about the roots of pornography. Plus, maybe now I can finally pitch my research topic about political views and porn consumption!