Why Did I Want to Get Married Again?

If you remember, awhile back I got engaged to Novio. Who knew that a commitment-phobic-sex-studying-nerd like me could tie the knot? However, I didn't realize that getting engaged meant that people were going to expect me to plan a wedding! The excitement of being engaged has now turned into a resentment since every woman I talk to ends up grilling me about wedding details. Of course no one asks Novio a thing, he just grins and me and excuses himself to talk to the boys about the Brazil/U.S. game, or comparing the great MJ to Kobe on basketball skills. I watched the soccer game, I want to talk about it. And I would love to argue with anyone who thinks Kobe is better than MJ. But nooooo, I'm stuck with the women having to talk about "wedding seasons", reception venues, and whether I would like to be a sparkly princess or a blushing bride on my day.

If you haven't picked up on it yet, I am not exactly the girliest of girls. I don't know what colors go with what time of year (who knew colors and seasons had to match?), I only know three flowers by name, and I don't have the slightest clue where to start in planning something that is supposed to be "the most important day of my life". I thought I could just get engaged, and then think about all that wedding stuff when I have time (which, at this point, I am starting to think is never).

Thankfully my Maid of Honor, who is my sister, knows me inside and out. Every time a family member or friend starts to get all "weddingy" on me (which includes gasping every time I say the word wedding, husband, or ceremony; jumping up and down while looking at my ring; and saying things like "I'm sure you have planned for this day your entire life!" or "I bet you thought he would never ask!") she comes to my rescue. Normally she finds a way to get me out of the situation and then stops me from hyperventilating, throwing up, or running out of the house screaming. That's why she get's to be my right hand woman.

On a side note, did you know there is a secret language to wedding planning? For example, I just learned last week that I can abbreviate Maid of Honor to MOH, but if you ask me, that sounds too much like MUFF. And apparently you are only a Maid of Honor if you are single, but if you are married you are stuck with Matron of Honor. I thought I knew the "no seeing your fiance in your wedding dress" one, but apreantly it is much more extensive than that. I am going to get kidnapped the night before because I am not allowed to see him or talk to him the entire day! Who else is going to keep me sane when all of these people run around trying to find blue shit that is borrowed while squalling and crying every time I walk into the room? Really, who comes up with these wedding rules, and why is it that just because I have a vagina everyone expects me to know these things?

I am already feeling sick just writing this blog about weddings. Thankfully, my MOH is all about wedding planning, so I struck a deal with her: she plans the wedding, and I relieve her of her obligatory wedding gift. I think we both see it as a win-win. So, if you want more wedding details, you are going to have to ask her.

Where Did Everyone Go?

After a busy week full of tying up loose ends, I finally got a minute to relax and play on the internet. And by playing on the Internet, I mean catch up on some of my favorite blogs. However, when I sat down to read them, I suddenly realized I don't really have any more blogs to read. The Bar Maid Blog hasn't had a post in almost six months, Confessions of a Callgirl (my all-time favorite blog) has said it's goodbye many months ago, I just haven't been able to let her go on my blogroll. Recently Mnwhr from Musings of a Manwhore got hitched and left the blogosphere, ironicaly, on the same day as the blog Seduction of Infedility. And a couple of my favorite blogs Starting over at 24 and Y tu Hermano Tambien ended recently as well. Now, I realize that all blogs have an expiration date, but what am I supposed to read?

So, my web-friends, I am in need of some new reading material. Please tell me some of your favorite blogs (wheter they are your own or one that you love to visit). I really need to update the old blogroll with some new reading material.

Just Call me the Porn Girl

"So, do you want to be a TA with me this summer?" My old adviser from my undergraduate school asked.

"Really? I would be honored!" You see, at the stage I am at in my career my CV means everything to me. And being a TA is just another bullet I can put on it. Honestly, if someone offered me one thousand dollars or a publication, I would take the paper without a minutes hesitation.

"You haven't even heard of the class yet" he laughs. "It is titled 'The Study of Pornography'".

Now I know why he asked me. Porn is a touchy subject. And, as a younger male graduate student, I understand why he would want a girl to co-TA, so that he doesn't get himself in any sticky situations with the female students. I told him I would still love to do it; after all, it takes a little more than porn to scare me away.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want to think this over a bit? You realize at your age and your attractiveness, there is probably going to be some transference with the male students."

Transference is a funny word us psychologists like to use. Because we are going to be talking about sex and porn throughout this entire class, some of the boys might "transfer" that energy onto me. I will, in essence become the porn girl (again). I don't really know when I became the resident expert in pornography. I guess just being a girl that is not scared to study it, talk about it, or even look at it puts me in that category.

I have to worry about this "transference" problem a lot since I am a female studying sex. There are many things that male professors can out-right say in sex research that women have to tip-toe around. For example, if my (male) professor talks about gender differences in porn and I state something like "I have seen pornography that depicts women in a very demeaning role," the majority of men will hear "I have seen porn...." and let their imagination take off from there.

However, as I stated in my first post, I am not one to shy away from any sexual topics. I also think that it will be a great class for me to learn even more about the roots of pornography. Plus, maybe now I can finally pitch my research topic about political views and porn consumption!

Is It Summer Yet?

I have a very love/hate relationship with school. I love it because, let's face it, if I wasn't a student I would just be a nerdy pervert who studies insistently and talks about sex all the time. I also love it because I live by the core beliefs of academia; that things are based in science and reason, and that the pursuit of knowledge feeds your soul. I also love it because I get 3 months off every year.

However, I hate it because academia always feels like an uphill battle. It might not be for everyone (for example, Novio), but for me, I always struggle to get my A's, present my work, and get recognized. Sadly, I truly believe that part of that struggle is because I am a woman (there are distinct times I have felt that my gender has held me back), but as I get higher and higher in the ranks of academia, I also feel the competition closing in. And let me tell you, trying to get a Ph.D. at times feels impossible.

As if being a graduate student wasn't hard enough, being a graduate student with an emphasis in Human Sexuality can be even harder. It can be difficult to be taken seriously, and when I look like I am at least 5 years younger than I am, it can be down right impossible. I have learned to push to get everything I want, but sometimes I don't feel like pushing. Sometimes academia gets the best of me and I want to give up.

Today is one of those days. While everyone is out this beautiful weekend and celebrating the end of the school year, I am staring at my computer, trying to force greatness out of my brain down into my fingertips. I have been unsuccessfully multitasking on 3 different journal articles and a grant (which I have never written before). And, of course, my adviser has been out of town for over a month, and cannot be reached by phone or email. I cannot ask anyone else for help, for fear that they might steal my ideas. I am feeling a bit alone and completely overwhelmed. Now, I am usually one of those "pick yourself up by the bootstraps and stop complaining!" type of people, but sometimes you just need to bitch.

Days like today I ask myself "is this really worth it?" Do I really want to go into academia and consistently struggle to push through the academic wall? Do I really want to test myself over and over again, and always be told "you aren't good enough" (because in academia, none of us really are)? Do I want to pull 16 hour days to publish an article only 15 people will read?

When people come to me and ask me advise about how to get a Ph.D. in psychology/human sexuality, I ask them "how bad do you want it?" Because academia will try you. If you are not 110% sure that you really want to get a Ph.D. in anything, the institution will weed you out. It is survival of the fittest, and then the fittest of that group are selected. There are no safety nets in graduate school, and the competition is fierce. It is a place where your friends can quickly become your enemies if it will at all advance their career. Some of the shadiest people I have met have been in academia.

But, as twisted as it sounds, after I explain how horrible graduate school can be, I realize that academia is really want I want to pursue. Partly because I love to be challenged and I need to be contributing to society. But more importantly, I want to so that when I become a professor and have graduate students and undergraduate students under me, I will make sure to provide support and give them chances to succeed, instead of trying to break them down and throw road block after road block in their pathway to success. Just because it was done to me doesn't mean I am going to join the club and push down others for my own benefit.

So yes, I want to be in academia with all my heart. But I hope I remember this blog when I am in a position of power. I will be different.

Is Polyamorous Love Possible?

"After 35 years of marriage, trust me, loving one person is enough!" My mother said. Looking back, I am not even sure how we got onto the topic of having multiple partners and multiple loves. But, as a sex major, many times innocent conversations evolve into sex talk.

"I actually disagree. I think you have a very western view of love. In parts all over the world there are still many marriages that involve more than one man and woman. I think it has to do with the way you define love." I say. My father and Novio are now quietly sitting in the car, which I find funny. I am sure they are both thinking that this conversation has no room for the opinions of boyfriends or husbands, and neither of them want to get themselves into trouble by saying the wrong thing about sex or love.

"Well, maybe I would believe in it more if it wasn't such an unfair establishment for women. If men can have more than one wife, why can't the same be true to women?" My mother states.

Well, I couldn't argue with that. Although it isn't practiced widely, I believe it is just as possible. If men can love more than one woman, women can love more than one man. And, there is sure as hell no way I would let my husband have another lover if I couldn't. I am open to different definitions of love and sex, but I am still a feminist at heart.

After Novio and I let my parents off at the airport and gave our hugs and kisses goodbye, Novio finally opened up to me.

"I think I could love more than one person." He says so matter-of-fact, which makes me smile. I love that he feels so comfortable to say this to me. Also, I am sure that this is something that he would have never entertained in front of me unless he realized that his honesty is welcome and will never be held against him.

"But, would you be brave enough to share this with the world? I am almost certain that I could love someone else, but I don't think I could be open about and explain to everyone that I have more than one lover." I already feel judged with my profession of choice, so sometimes I just want to be "normal" with my personal life. I don't really know why, because the minute I tell people I am a human sexuality major I am branded as being sex-craved or sexually crazy. Neither of which Novio feels the need to correct.

"Yea, I guess I agree with you. It would be too hard to tell the world if I had more than one lover. And I wouldn't want to bring kids into that environment. At least not in America." He says.

"For me, I do think this one of the few places where my jealousy would emerge. I don't think I could be fine with you loving someone as much as me. I might be ok if you loved them less than me, but I think it would be hard to see you could have a connection with another girl as strong as you have for me."

He sat quietly for a second, and then smiled. "Sex, in the 5 years I have known you, I think this is the most vulnerable you have been. Thanks for opening up."

I blushed a little and bowed my head in appreciation. Who knew that talking about another lover would make the connection between Novio and I stronger?

Sex and Our Youth

Last week, I collected data on my new pilot study: my very own sex scale! Now, this is very exciting to me, but to create your own sex scale is not an easy task. You have to test it on hundreds of people and conduct tests of reliability and validity. I am sure most have no idea what that means, but it sounds technical, which probably makes it seem even more important.

Thanks to this process, I have become very acquainted with our resident statistician. Because I am not advanced enough to run most of these statistical tests, I offered him authorship on this measure in exchanged for statistical analyzes on the scale. Of course he accepted, because for a statistician, this is their dream. Creating a scale requires so many statistical tests, that they get to show off some of their skills.

It is safe to say we have spent many hours together trying to get this thing perfect. We have gotten over 100 participants to take my scale, and we can finally play with the data. However, we were both surprised at some of our results.

My questionnaire involves asking people about specific sex acts. I basically start with the most "vanilla" of sex acts and gradually get into more kinky sex acts. Now, even my most extreme of sex acts seem pretty benign to me (mutual masturbation, watching erotica with your partner, and anal play), I was shocked at how little people sexually experiment. Now, I should qualify this by saying we only studied students at my large university, but it is generally known that our campus is diverse, and prior research suggests that college students are more sexually open and experimental than non-college kids. So if that is true, what are the non-college kids doing?

Most of my participants didn't try anything out of the ordinary. I got a strong reaction against anal play (specifically mouth to anus contact), and introduction of toys into the bedroom. I didn't even include things like BDSM, more than one partner in the bedroom, or voyeurism. However, I have been running into participants that have taken my scale (although the test is anonymous, some graduate students know that it is my scale), and I have been getting a lot of comments like "I bet I was one of the most 'kinky' participants in your scale!" Which leads me to think "what do you consider 'kink'?" I never considered myself to be extremely kinky, but if people consider a porn video playing in the background while you have sex to be extremely kinky, maybe I have been defining "kink" all wrong.

What was most alarming to me and my statistical adviser, however, was not even the lack of variety in most people's sexual lives. It was the lack of knowledge about sex. Many men did not know that the term genitals refers to both penises and vagina's. I got a lot of responses like "I am a straight male, I do not do anything to genitals!", or, our personal favorite "Last time I checked, women didn't have genitals." Many also didn't know what mutual masturbation was.

What does this say about our society? Out of all the industrialized nations, we have the highest rates of unwanted pregnancies and cases of HIV, but our men cannot find our women's genitalia and everyone thinks that it is kinky to even mention the word anus. It seems so contradictory to me. Obviously I am poking fun here a bit, but in reality, this tells me that not educating our children about sex doesn't do anything to stop it. It just causes them to not be able to verbalize what they are doing, and ultimately lack communication with their partners about what they are comfortable with.

If we gave proper education to people about sex, I think it might make everyone a bit more happy. Maybe girls could tell their partners "yes, I do have genitalia, and you are a little left of it" and men could say "hey, I find mutual masturbation fun, so don't feel like a 'whore' or refrain from doing it because you think I will look at you differently. Actually, it's pretty hot". Because right now (at least based on my data), it seems pretty shocking to me what men and women have knowledge about and are comfortable doing.

Congratulations!

I have told my family, my friends, my classmates and my teachers. I have called his family, both in the US and outside, to give the story. But something was missing. I had forgotten someone, I knew it. And, my dear readers, it was all of you! I, your blogging web-friend, am getting married! Yes, I am engaged.

Instead of telling you the same story I have been telling all week (how the proposal was, what colors are going to be in my wedding, where I am going to have it), I decided instead to post about something else. I would like to share with you how I met Novio. Yes, I realize he is not my Novio anymore, but I do not know how to say "fiancé" in Spanish, nor do I think that "Esposo" is appropriate yet. So the title will stay for now. Novio he is.

Now you might want to grab a bag of popcorn, because this story has more characters and plot twists than a Telenovela. I present to you... how I met Novio:

I made sure when I moved to the big city of L.A. for college, I was going to be single. Now, single Sexologist is a lot different than taken Sexologist. I would never claim to be as sexually free as some other sex bloggers; but if they were in the major leagues of sexual freedom, I would consider myself in the minors. I loved to date, and did not particularly want to settle down. I was great for a little bit of fun, but I didn't want anything serious and I certainly did not want to compromise on my schooling or life.

However, I loved to date. So, while I was in college, I tried to do a lot of it. My first year of college I had met this cute boy who seemed like my type. He was smart, funny, and really ambitious. He lived in the same apartment complex as me, which made me a bit hesitant (I usually tried to stay away from dating people that I would have to interface with once we broke up), but he seemed too good to let go. So, I tried Mr. Good-on-paper out. We started hanging out on occasion, and getting flirty. And, after a few days of hanging out, he got the courage up to kiss me. And, my friends, it was probably one of my top 10 worst kisses. Everything I liked about him disappeared in that single kiss. He was so nervous, and the kiss was so child-like, that I lost almost all interest in about 10 seconds. Everything that I thought he represented seemed to melt away with that kiss. I assumed that he felt the same, and we would just go back to being friends. However, he did not. It seemed that he was still interested in a relationship, and I was far from it.

I will be the first to tell you, single Sexologist was not always a consistent girl. And, although I did not particularly like Mr. Good-on-paper in a romantic sense, I loved hanging out with roommate. We had become best friends throughout this process, and I did not want to lose best roommate's friendship. So I would still hang out at their apartment, and every so often hook-up with Mr. Good-on-paper. But I made it clear that this was casual. So casual that I had told him I was dating other people (particularly, Gimme-your-number guy). But, as time went on, he had more problems with my casual dating idea, and after a few short-lived months, I ended it.

However, there was one memory that particularly stuck out in my mind from when I dated Mr. Good-on-paper. One day, during finals, I had asked him and best roommate to have dinner with me. We all ate in the dorms, so this was a pretty ritualistic practice. But, for some reason, Mr. Good-on-paper was being a baby that day (it was nearing the end of our so-called relationship), and decided that he didn't want to eat dinner with me. I took it as a power play, for him to see if I would show him my secret feelings and beg him to eat with me. But, dear readers, I am not the kind of person to stroke any one's ego, and pouting or stomping out of the room would have seemed so childish. So instead, I looked over to their friend who had come over to study with them (who I had just met minutes ago) and asked, "Well, are you hungry?"

"Me? Umm, well yea, I am kinda hungry." He said.

So he and I decided to have dinner together, just the two of us. The look on Mr. Good-on-paper's face was priceless, and I was quite pleased with the way I handed that situation.

However, I did not anticipate that I would have such a great time with his friend. He was everything that I wanted, and everything that Mr. Good-on-paper lacked. While my guy was struggling to keep up his grades since dating me, this guy was heads above his fellow classmates. He was extremely knowledgeable about so many topics, and very humble with his intelligence. He also wanted to get his Ph.D. and was currently working with the best mathematician in the world (yes, this is where my obsession with Mr. Tao started). He was going to do big things with his life. Somewhere between the buffet line and the desert isle, I felt a connection. And I knew I couldn't, because he was Mr. Good-on-paper's friend. Boy I fucked that one up.

I even remember going back to my apartment after dinner (since I sure as hell wasn't going to go back to Mr. Good-on-paper's apartment), and running into my roommate. She had asked "So, how are things going with you and Mr. Good-on-paper?"

"Great" I said. "I think I like his friend."

We both laughed, and at that moment I pretty much decided that me and Mr. Good-on-paper were done.

Novio and I never talked about how we felt that dinner. We both kept our distance from each other and years went by and we never as much as shared a sideways glance. He was a loyal friend to Mr. Good-on-paper, and he didn't want to create drama by flirting with me or dating me. And, because I was busy with my life, and he was busy with his, we basically forgot about that connection, and were content with our friendship.

It could have ended there. But, thankfully, it didn't.

After I graduated from college, I decided to apply to graduate schools. And, in order to get the score I wanted in the GRE's, I had to work on my math skills. I needed a tutor, but I had no money. This is when I contacted Novio to help me with math in exchange for cooked meals. Since he was living with 4 guys (2 being Mr. Good-on-paper and best roommate), I knew he was living off of Top-Ramen and hot dogs. So, of course he accepted my exchange.

Since years has passed, and the relationship between me and Mr. Good-on-paper was so short, he had decided to finally pursue me. However, at that time I was dating a different guy. But, it was obvious that I wasn't very interested (I think I had to cancel two dates with him because I was studying with Novio) , so he decided to just wait it out.

Based on the few "relationships" he had seem me in, I had quickly gotten labeled by Novio as the "heart-breaker". So, Novio decided that he wouldn't pursue me in the typical way. Instead of showing interest immediately, he played a little hard to get. And, by doing that, it gave us time to really get to know each other before clouding it with sex and relationship stuff. If you ask him, he thinks it was the most ingenious plan he has ever come up with. And although I love to argue with him about it, the fact of the matter is, we are now engaged. So whatever he did, it worked.

Of course there is a part 2 and 3 to this story, but for now I will end it here. This is how my Novio and I met, and eventually fell in love. It was a long process, but the best experience I have ever gone through. And yes, the proposal was amazing; no, I don't know what colors I am going to chose for the ceremony; and the wedding will happen whenever we can squeeze it in between his comprehensive exams and my thesis. Such is the life of two graduate students.